Commercials

To say that commercials are an annoyance is hardly newsworthy. To say that some are blatantly idiotic, pandering, or just lame is old hat. There are certainly some commercials out there that are funny, eye-catching, and some that might even be considered artistic, but the vast majority can be thrown on the commercial trash heap that is piling higher and higher with advertisement filth that seems to be getting worse and worse.

And now commercials seem to have hit a new low. Just when we think they couldn't get any dumber, the advert execs of the world shock us with their numbingly dim-witted attempt at info-tainment. Now, for those of you who live outside of Canada (and possibly even Ontario, depending on how widespread this latest piece of garbage is), you may not know what I'm talking about, so I will walk you through it. Believe me, it won't take long.

As a brief introduction for those of you not well aquainted with the world of hockey and the NHL, Joe Thornton and Martin St. Louis could be considered amongst Canada's top players, and an argument could certainly be made for being amongst the top 10 players in the world. This particular latest Vector commercial stars the two aforementioned players skating on to a dark rink wearing white Vector jerseys with the Vector crest emblazoned prominently on the chest. Cue hard guitar rock music as 20 - 30 nameless skaters in black jerseys and black helmets with black visors covering the tops of their faces skate onto the ice to face them. Martin St. Louis and Joe Thornton look at each other briefly before skating towards the mob...

Now, at this point, being two of possibly the best players in the world, you might think that the commercial might take advantage of their incredible puck-handling skill, skating, or passing ability, much like Kellogg's did with their previous commercial for Frosted Flakes, which also prominently featuring hockey with Tony the Tiger. In the commercial for Frosted Flakes, nameless kids were featured showing off great little stick tricks, such as picking the puck off the ice with their sticks, whirling and twirling around, and making "eye-popping" dekes.

Back to the Vector commercial. Martin St. Louis and Joe Thornton are skating towards the mob, with hard guitar rock music playing in the background. There is a menacing voice which states, "Before the hits...", at which point the scene changes to a black skater flying into the glass and smashing it in slow motion, "Before the moves..." Scene changes to Joe Thornton puttin ghis head down and ducking forward as Martin St. Louis rolls over him back to back. "Before the goals..." Scene changes behind the net of "team black" where St. Louis simply shoots the puck and scores high gloves side. "You have to get the gear!" Scene changes to Martin St. Louis and Joe Thornton looking at each other, then skating off in opposite directions. And that's it. The end (of course, followed by some shots of a box of Vector cereal, etc.)

Now, my memory of the narrator may not be perfect, but I'm pretty sure I haven't any major artistic details. My first thought, when I saw this commercial, was, "???". The second time I saw it, I watched more carefully, to see if I had missed anything. The third time I saw it, I thought, "What the fuck?!"

Now, I'm no advertising executive, but if you're going to hire two of the best hockey players in the world, shouldn't you exploit their skills a little more effectively? What the hell?! All they did was duck down and roll over the guy's back! Any friggin body could have done that?? Why the hell did you go out and hire Joe friggin Thornton and Martin friggin St. Louis???? They didn't even have any speaking lines!!! They didn't even deke around a single one of those menacing hockey ninjas!!! Their idea of an eye-popping deke was to duck down and roll over the other guy's back!!!! WHAT THE HELL???!!! Pay me 10,000 dollars, and I'll do that for you right now! I don't even need a second player to do it! I'll just do it over top of some inanimate object! God DAMMIT!! The sheer nonsensical "ludicosity" of it hurts my brain. It's so dumb, it just made me completely make up a word to try to describe it. Why the hell would you go out and hire two of the best hockey players in the world, and then make them do something so idiotic??

Ow... my brain hurts. Burnsy.... out.